Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
