I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He felt like a one man threesome
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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