remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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