Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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