i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize