Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
