Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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