Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
