he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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