I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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