I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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