just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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