i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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