when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
