Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize