Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
