You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
