I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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