we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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