I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
