Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
