Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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