omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
