1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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