Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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