It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
