Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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