Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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