I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
