someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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