just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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