I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Randomize
