my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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