No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
