It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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