Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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