i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
