I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
