It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
