i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just gift wrapped bread.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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