No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
