do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
