He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
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My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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