OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
