Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
