How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
