I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
