she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
