Umm I'm too high to move.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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