she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
