True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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