She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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