Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
