theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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