so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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