It's Friday. Sex?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
