she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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