So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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