my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
