I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
