I just saw a hot homeless man
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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