i just wanna soil my oats bro
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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