Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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